The allegory of ‘Dante’s Inferno’ begins with Dante getting lost in a wood, attacked by 3 beastly beasts, one of which was a ‘She-Wolf’ (I still don’t know why Shakira was there) and then Dante is rescued by a poet pal and together they journey into the underworld, otherwise known as the 9 circles of hell or Shakira’s ‘She Wolf’ music video. You decide.
Unlike Dante, I was at home and minding my own business when the beastly beasts attacked, except the beasts I speak of are shiny, white baby teeth and there are at least 4 of them cutting through Max’s gums right now. We are outnumbered.
1st Circle: Max likes to apparently do things in bulk, why wait to grow one tooth when you could grow four all at once?
2nd Circle: The dribble. It is everywhere, cascading from his mouth like a waterfall, on the dog, on the sofa and all over me….it is like a Slimer scene from Ghostbusters.
3rd Circle: Red cheeks. I am talking about bright red Father Christmas style rouge.
4th Circle: Misery. Little Max has no idea that the pain will be over soon and he is miserable about it and I feel so bad for him.
5th Circle: Not being able to eat. Unless you’re yoghurt and ice cold you are not getting past Max’s pearly white gates and so the 4th circle raises its ugly head again because he is hungry and then miserable.
6th Circle: Fever. Max’s temperature is like the Katy Perry song, he’s hot and then cold and hot and then cold and repeat.
7th Circle: Hours turn into days, days turn into a week! We are now on day 5 of teething and it is getting better, but it is not pretty and it is challenging. Max has gone from being in pain and feeling very sorry for himself to being in pain and being mad at me for it. Mum is enemy number 1 and Dad is king.
8th Circle: Sleep or no sleep. Poor Max is struggling with the pain and the sting of teething is supposed to be worse when they are flat so Max’s routine is all off so now he is hungry, tired and miserable.
9th Circle: Crap! I am talking about poop, when your baby teethes the poops become liquid and where there is liquid there is always a leak. Just when you think you have enough mom points to rise to the next level, you’re sweet angel will poop on you when you least expect it like a ticking poop bomb.
To anyone who is currently going through a teething spell…I am so sorry. I don’t know what is worse…that he has a whole mouth to fill or that he has started to show that there is a glimmer of light at the end of this weeks tunnel? S.O.S