Image by Veronica Dearly
I have written this a few times now…I don’t even know what my point is apart from making someone in this big wide world feel like it is OK to BE. Be you. I have honestly lost my creative flow, it has vanished, it has gone out, out and it is scary. Scary, because I have been making videos every week for the past 2 and a half years and last week I didn’t post one. I have been a daily, sometimes hourly Instagram post-erer, but in the past couple of weeks I have left it days between publishing a square into my day. I have always felt community and connection on YouTube and Instagram, but is it the time of year, week or day where the tides are changing?
With the constant gossip of who is ‘buying followers’, the ‘helpful’ advice not to use hashtags incase you appear too desperate and the clickbait titles I am starting to ask myself “What the f**k am I doing?” I understand analytics and insights are important, especially when making coin, but I fear we are living amongst people who are acting like the digits matter and to be honest, apparently don’t matter when talking to us ‘regular folk’. Recently I was followed by a ‘big influencer” (hate that fucking word) on Instagram and I followed them right back (big friend five) only to be unfollowed a few hours later. I get it, life is not all sprinkles and sunshine, but I noticed it happened again with another ‘player’ – this was a ‘strategic follow to be followed back’ play and I was played. So where I felt connection and community, they literally checked my name off a list. I am now a transaction.
I think it’s probably a reflection on me, my feelings, my sensitivities and insecurities, but some of the people I speak to every single day I have found on Instagram and YouTube and they fill my heart with pure joy so it saddens me that there are some bad apples, lemons and pears in the barrel. It saddens me that I have let it in and that I have enabled it to effect my output. It is not like I am sat here stewing over the injustice of it all, but I am so disappointed. I am sad that I got sucked into the edited lives and if I am honest that my illusions have been shattered. I feel like I just found out Santa is not real.
We have all said something behind someones back, but now the ‘big digits’ are getting too ‘big for their boots’ and feel the need to tell us ‘small digits’ to our FACE. With ‘hacks/tips/tricks/tutorials/guides/advice/drunken rants’ etc. on what to do, how to be, what to say, what to down play, what to push etc. That is not OK. If you have asked, then fine, but to tell someone “they should quit whilst they are ahead” because YOU don’t like what YOU see – is not ok. They say ‘your vibe attracts your tribe’, but I fear people, myself included are being hoodwinked and ‘buying’ into a tribe that is something else entirely and very much not your vibe.
I pride myself on being me on camera, but honesty is not the same as authenticity and it is easy to confuse the two. Whilst I am always ‘me’ on camera I won’t ever discuss my marriage so you could say I am hiding a part of ‘me?’ so am I being honest? You know I am married, but is this enough? My answer is “yes”. If you gossip and follow it with “I’m just being honest” is it? NO. It doesn’t matter how many times you are “keeping it real”, “tbh” YOU my dear, are not being authentic.
This year I have met a lot of humans that I have discovered through social media platforms and half of them I would willingly dry hump daily, but the other half I have been dumbfounded by. They are either completely different to their ‘online self’, which would be incredible if it wasn’t so scary especially when they have such large followings or are number seekers. They seek the numbers. The numbers represent acceptance, not people. I am not stupid, I know this is technically ‘life’, the way it goes, everyone cannot be everyones cup of tea and biscuit, everyone won’t get along, the internet is rose gold tinted, but I am disappointed by the ‘big digits’, especially when their actions are cruel and their intent is hidden by “honesty”.
So even if you have one person watching or two or perhaps thousands upon thousands, remember there is a person behind that digit and the digit is human. Do not take them for granted. Or maybe you only follow a few people and they ‘get you’, they enthuse, excite and encourage you – hold onto them tight. This connection is so important and it could be the difference between an average day and a great day. Nourish that connection and don’t be an asshole!
I am tired of something that used to be ‘fun’ now feeling like an uphill struggle. I will be back, but not for contents sake. It has to be for me, not for you or to jump on a trend, or to make some quick cash or to compete with a f**king ‘influencer’ (shudder). It has to be authentic or it is not me. I am realising that “it” is the easy part, but “them” is where it gets complicated. People really do ruin good things, but I have a choice and so do you. You can choose how it effects you, you can choose what and who you want or don’t want to see. Unfollow, subscribe, follow, mute, like, reply…do it all, but be kind. Always. Don’t be a dick because, no one likes a surprise dick. Unless they do and that is their thing.
I heart you and I see you, PEACE! NB x