It has taken me 32 years to get here, but I am choosing to live consciously. (I know **DEEP**)
It has been a rough few months of coming to terms with my depression. My depression has always been here, but I was perfectly micro managing the ‘sadness’ with motherhood, work, friends, family and ‘trying to have fun’. I have thrown myself into every situation and occasion with gusto in order to distract myself and delay the inevitable. My depression is basically the other world in ‘Stranger Things’, but one day I woke up and said “this is not OK”. Four words that have since changed my everyday.
Until recently I didn’t actually know how bad I had been hiding my ‘sadness’ or how good at hiding it I had become, which is ironic as I personally felt that my sadness was leaking out of me and I was so worried that it was staining other people. This is not OK. I was always so busy trying to be a good mother, or a good employee or a good friend. I would say ‘yes’ without thinking and ultimately burn out, which only added to the overwhelm that I was already feeling. This is not OK.
By realising that it will be OK I helped myself. Today I am busy with my goals, my gratitude and my boundaries. If you had told me that 6 weeks ago I would have laughed in your face. I am not a person who can read an affirmation card and think “wow, that has set me up for the day”. When people talk ‘Mindfulness’ I zone out and start thinking about lunch, my own personal head space. When someone says the word ‘journey’ I want to inflict bodily harm on there nether regions. So what the hell am I doing seeing a life coach?
I have been so lucky to find a life coach who ‘gets me’ and IT. Mary Meadows aka the Badass Happy Life Coach speaks my language and a conversation with her not only brings me clarity and focus, but for the first time I feel awake. Hence; F**K the journey, I’m on an adventure. I am on an adventure to find me again; Who am I? What do I like doing? What is important to me? What do I believe in? What is OK? What is not OK? All questions which I have probably never asked myself.
I think it is fair to say that we all lose ourselves when we become mothers, but I let it consume me whole. It is only now that Max is 3 years old that I feel like I can reflect, he no longer needs me in the same way he did when he was a baby so I am looking up and in and I have found myself wondering where I went and what did I do to myself?
Through life coaching with Mary I have built ME back up. Mary is the greatest facilitator, but as she constantly reminds me “do the work” and I surprise myself daily by doing the work and it is only by living consciously, being totally and unashamedly open about my behaviours and patterns that have lead me onto this path. This is the path that leads to an awesome F**KING ADVENTURE!