It has taken me 30 plus years to sort out my vibe…I started off life introverted through abuse, both physical and emotional and it was a conflicting time because I was also “doing” theatre; performing and entertaining anyone who would look my way or listen. I have always tried to be that person, to find the laugh, but with my emotional fear of physical abuse at home it was a confusing time. I remember being told in many auditions I would not “make it as an actress” as I “didn’t have what it takes”, but little did the entire world know – I was acting my socks off everyday. My parents enforced the role of “regular girl with the normal life” upon me and not to toot my own horn, but it was an Oscar winning performance that I delivered every day from my first memories to my 16th birthday. No one had a clue.
During my childhood I had some amazing friends, solid pals, people who enthused me and made me laugh till I snorted, but we were young and they were “normal” so I could never get too close incase I said something or slipped out of character, which I know makes me sound like I have a split personality, but it was really just a coping mechanism for my existence and it worked. Granted it didn’t work in my favour, but no one else was burdened by my darkness and for the most part I really liked playing the part of regular girl with a normal life. It was pure escapism. Then I would go home, remove my shoes and try not to “start” something with the “wrong” tone of voice or look, but it was a fine line because you couldn’t be so introverted that you were seen to be sulking or keeping a secret from the family and that was my vibe. Confused? It was a confusing half of my life.
I escaped/moved out at 18 years old and I was FREE. I strangely didn’t go crazy, I have never smoked, taken drugs or got lost in Ibiza, but after about 2 years of freedom I had opinions that needed to be heard. I would say I spent my twenties being a dickhead. Finding my way, speaking with no filter, saying too much to the wrong people, because my vibe was all over the place – my two characters had met and were having a party to end all parties. I got drunk, I laughed, I cried, I upset friends, I found new friends, I argued, I lost my way, I didn’t make an effort, I danced, I pulled sickies, I binged watched many 24 boxsets, I got fat, I got skinny and I was constantly wondering when my vibe would settle. I always figured that when I “settled” that would be me, who I was and I would understand life, love and chaos and I would probably be a successful living kind of human.
It really is about the ‘fucking journey’ and I hate that bloody word, but true it is. Because today I wake up and I am happy. I have support in friends, I have love in my chosen family, I make an effort and I am doing what I want to do. The biggest realisation this past year is that I have choices and that I am driving my own bus (thanks Mary Meadows). Of course I would’ve rather had a ‘normal’ childhood, of course I wish I had a mum or dad I could ring and ask for help from, of course I worry I will lose mates and be on my own, but all of this and that has got me here. To this very present point and today feels good. Not to say that tomorrow or the next day won’t have its struggles, but today I can honestly say my vibe has attracted my tribe and I am so bloody grateful. I have come a long way from playing the ‘regular girl with the normal life’.